Too Smart for Strangers with Winnie the Pooh
(After the intro, we cut to the G-man at his desk in his room) G-man: Hello, everyone! I am the G-man, and that’s all you need to know about that. The other day, I was in my local video store looking for something to review, and then I came upon this: (He reaches offscreen and pulls out the VHS case for Too Smart for Strangers) A PSA about stranger danger starring Winnie the Pooh of all characters! What’s next? A PSA about drugs featuring Alf, the Muppet Babies, and the Ninja Turtles? (Whispering is heard as the G-man looks to his right) What? (More whispering) That actually exists? (He turns his attention back to the camera) Huh. (The main theme from the old Winnie the Pooh show starts as clips from the special begin to play) G-man (V.O): Too Smart for Strangers with Winnie the Pooh is, like the title suggests, a PSA from 1985 about stranger danger. It shows real-life situations of kids meeting a stranger, and the special explains how to deal with one. And it doesn’t feature cartoon characters, it features costumes. Which, as you can imagine, is extremely creepy! Especially when they blink! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Well, let’s not beat around the bush. This, my friends, is Too Smart for Strangers! (Cut to the opening scene) G-man (V.O): It opens with this really out-of-place opening sequence that looks like it belongs in a Star Wars movie. May the force be with you, Pooh-bear! (Cut to Pooh) And speaking of him, look at this costume! If your costume can blink, chances are it’s not a child-friendly costume! Pooh (Singing): Too Smart for Strangers! That’s me, Winnie the Pooh! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Um, with those lyrics, it sounds like YOU’RE the stranger! (Cut back to the special) G-man (V.O): After a song number, we meet up with Piglet. Piglet: I think you mean that a stranger is someone you don’t know. And since you know me, I’m not a stranger! G-man (V.O): Wow, even Piglet knows more than you, Pooh! And he’s the runt of the Hundred-acre Woods! Anyway, they go inside to discuss more about strangers, and then they tell us what to do if we see a stranger. Pooh: Number one: Say “No!” to strangers! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: But what if the question is: “Do you not want me to kidnap you?”? (Cut back to the special. Tigger appears) G-man (V.O): Tigger and Roo are also talking about strangers. Tigger: First, you should avoid unsafe places. Roo: What are they? Tigger: Places where there are no other people around. Look! (Cut to each location Tigger is naming off) There are alleys, construction sites… (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Time out! First of all: Construction sites? Obviously, you’ll find people there! And if there are no people, there are no strangers! (He does the thinking motion by tapping his head with is left index finger. Cut back to the special) G-man (V.O): We then see some kid named Karren taking a shortcut home when she encounters a stranger. Look! You know he’s bad because he’s smoking! Tigger: Well, what do ya think of what Karren’s done so far, little buddy, Roo? Roo: Well, I don’t think Karren should’ve taken a shortcut all by herself. There weren’t any other people around! (The text "No shit" pops up for a brief moment. Cut to a bit later in the special) Stranger: Hey, kid, come here. Karren: No! (Karren runs off. Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Come on, all he wants to do is ask if you like his epic moustache! (Cut back to the special) Tigger (V.O): Well, what do ya know? Karren told her dad all about what happened! G-man (V.O): You should still be concerned. (Whispering) That’s not her real dad! (The audio of a crowd booing is heard as we cut back to the G-man) G-man: What? I can’t make a Maury joke? (The booing stops as we cut back to the special) Roo: Wow, I was worried! Tigger: So was I, buddy Roo. I’m sure glad Karren was too smart for strangers! (Cut to a clip from Family Guy) Peter: Ah, he said it! He said it! (Cut back to the special) G-man (V.O): We then see two girls named Kris and Kelly walking down the sidewalk when they’re approached by… (A stranger appears) Stranger: Well, well, aren’t you pretty little girls! What are your names? (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Uncle Grandpa? (Cut back to the special) Stranger: Now, you must have names. Do you live around here? You can tell me! Kelly: No! (They both run away) Tigger: Well, what do ya think? Were Kris and Kelly too smart for that stranger? Roo: Yes, but they didn’t seem very friendly, Tigger. Wouldn’t it be alright to say hello? Or even shake hands? Tigger: No, no, nope, Roo! Uh-uh! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Alright, you have my attention. What should I do if a stranger grabs me? (Cut back to the special) Tigger: Then scream, and kick, and bite! Fight with all your might, and try to get away! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Are you afraid to use the term “Go for the balls”? I mean, we’re trying to give good advice here! (Cut back to the special) Tigger (Singing): Tell someone that you trust. Tell someone, you really must! Make them believe you! Keep telling them ‘till they do! G-man (V.O): Oh, yeah. There are also songs in this PSA. How could I forget? (Cut to a montage of kids) Now we see what other kids would do if they met a stranger. Boy 1: I wouldn’t tell my name to a stranger. Girl 1: I’d run really fast in the opposite direction. Boy 2: Say “No!” and run! Girl 2: Run, run, run, run! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Those are good answers and all, but let’s see what (He points offscreen to his right) that genderless child has to say. (Cut to Chara’s jumpscare from Undertale, and then back to the G-man looking scared) Well, damn! (Cut back to the special) G-man (V.O): Anyway, Tigger returns Roo to Kanga, who walks around naked in an apron for some reason… And we meet Eeyore. Eeyore: Well, thanks for noticing me. I hope I’m not interrupting something important. (Cut back to the G-man laughing) G-man (Laughing): Can someone explain why Eeyore has a smoker’s voice? (Cut back to the special) Tigger: Aw, come on, Eeyore. What if someone does notice you, and asks you to go with them? Eeyore: Hmm… Well, that’s a good question, Tigger. I’m gonna think about that one. ??? (V.O): Watch out, Eeyore! It might be a trick! Eeyore (Stuttering): Who said that? G-man (V.O): Oh my god! The Hundred-acre Woods were haunted! I knew it all along! (Rabbit appears in a magician’s hat and cape) Oh, it’s just Rabbit. That still counts in some circumstances! Anyway, Rabbit explains that strangers can often play tricks on kids to lure them. Here, I’ll let them explain it. Rabbit: Watch our friend Timmy and see if you can find the trick. (Cut to a stranger approaching a young boy. Presumably Timmy) Stranger: Hey, kid, come here a second. I’ve seemed to have lost my dog somewhere around here, and I was wondering if you might help me try to find him. (Cut back to Tigger, Eeyore, and Rabbit) Rabbit: Well, Eeyore, did you hear anything tricky? Eeyore: Yep. Having a stranger ask ya to find his dog sounds tricky to me. Rabbit: That’s right, Eeyore! You’re pretty smart! Tigger: Let’s see what Timmy does. (Cut back to Timmy and the Stranger) Timmy: No, sorry, I can’t do that. (Timmy pedals off on his bike. Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Or you could say, “I haven’t seen him”, and THEN run off. Come on, little Timmy, you might have well said: (Cut back to the prior scene with the G-man dubbing over it) G-man (V.O as Timmy): Check yourself before you wreck yourself, fool! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: But that’s just my opinion. (Cut back to the special) G-man (V.O): The special also explains that strangers can offer you something to get you to trust them. In this next scenario, we see two kids named Geena and Jeff walking down the street when a stranger drives up to them. Offering them some money. Obviously, they say no and run. Stranger: Come on, I won’t hurt you! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: That’s a laugh! (He does so before we cut back we cut back to the special) Tigger: Looks like Geena and Jeff are just too smart for strangers! Eeyore: Boy, oh boy, I learned something today. Don’t take anything from a stranger. Not candy, money, puppies, kittens, or even thistles. Rabbit: That’s the spirit, Eeyore! (He starts singing) Don’t be fooled by tricks! Don’t fall for faulty stories! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: All in favour of skipping this song, say “Aye”. Audience (V.O): Aye! G-man: Thank you! (Cut back to the special after the song ends) Rabbit: Uh oh! Eeyore: What’s the matter? Rabbit: I thought of another kind of trick bad strangers sometimes try! Just watch Holly. (Cut to a girl, presumably Holly, walking down the sidewalk when a stranger pulls up to her in a car) Stranger: Excuse me, I’m a friend of your mother’s. She’s sick and asked me to come pick you up. (Cut back to the trio) Rabbit: Now that’s a bad trick strangers sometimes play. (To Tigger) What would you do? Tigger: I wouldn’t go if I didn’t know her! Eeyore: Right. If she’s such a good friend to Holly’s mom, why doesn’t Holly know her? (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Well, after "The Incident", Holly’s mother now has short-term memory loss. (There’s a brief moment of silence before the G-man speaks again) Don’t ask what "The Incident" was. (Cut back to the special) Stranger: Come on, your parents are waiting! Holly: I can’t go with you. I have to call home first. (Holly walks away from the stranger’s car. Cut back to the trio) Tigger: Hoohoo! Hooray for Holly! (Along with Eeyore and Rabbit) Hip, hip, hooray! (Solo) Now, all of you kids out there, what would you have done? (Cut to a montage of kids) Boy: I’d call my mom and ask her about it. Girl 1: Don’t go with somebody you don’t know. Girl 2: I think it would be real dumb to go with her. (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Damn, kids are sassy these days! (Cut back to the special) Pooh: Now, Piglet, we’ve heard all about what to do when you’re away from your house. But what do you do when you’re home all by yourself? Do you know? Piglet: Oh, I hope so! Pooh: Well, our good friend Owl likes to stay at home. I bet he has some good ideas about how to stay safe when you’re home alone. (Cut to Owl sleeping in a rocking chair for a brief moment, and then back to the G-man) G-man: Sorry, everyone! He’s still passed out from that awesome party he hosted yesterday! I know that because I was there! (A few moments pass until the G-man looks around confused) What? We’re not going to show a clip? Fine! Be that way! (Cut back to special) Owl: Home alone? Yes, I know how to help myself when I’m home alone. (Cut back to the G-man muttering to himself) G-man (To himself): Must resist the obvious joke. Must resist the obvious joke. Must resist the obvious joke… (Cut back to the special) G-man (V.O): Anyway, we see some kid named Ryan home alone when a stranger calls him. Ryan: Hello? Stranger: Hi, what’s your name? Ryan: Ryan. Stranger: Is your mom there, Ryan? Ryan: She’s not home. (The colors go to black and white as the G-man is heard) G-man (V.O in Morgan Freeman-like voice: It was at this moment that Ryan knew… He fucked up. (Cut to Owl) Owl: What would you have done? (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: I’ll tell you what I would’ve done: Not leave my kid home alone! (Cut back to the special) G-man (V.O): The special explains that if a stranger calls you, you should immediately hang up and call a friend or neighbor to come to the house. But what if they were making the creepy phone call? Owl: Now tell me, what would you do if you got a call from a stranger when you were home alone? (Cut to a montage of kids) Boy 1: I’d never tell anybody my name. Girl 1: I wouldn’t tell my mom wasn’t home. Boy 2: You should never ever say you’re home alone! Girl 2 (Dubbed by the G-man): I’d put on the filthy animal scene from Home Alone! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Ooh! I like that last one! (Cut back to the special) Owl: Now, your house has a phone, and it also has a door. Let’s see what happens when Rebecca is home alone and a stranger comes to the door. (Cut to a young girl, presumably Rebecca, having a pretend tea party with some plush animals when the doorbell rings. She walks over to the door and is about to reach for the handle when the screen freezes and a music stinger is heard. Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Oh, yeah, it does that every time something’s about to happen. Why? It’s annoying and repetitive! (Cut back to the special) Owl: Would you open the door? (Cut to a clip of Bishop Bullwinkle’s Hell to the Naw music video) BB: Hell to the naw! To the naw naw naw! (Cut back to the special) Rebecca: Who’s there? Stranger: I’m Mrs. Anderson. Is your mother home? Rebecca: She’s busy. Please come back later. Owl (V.O): Rebecca didn’t know a “Mrs. Anderson”, so she didn’t open the door. Let’s see what she does next. (Rebecca goes to the telephone and dials an anonymous number) Rebecca: Hi, Aunt Peggy? A woman I don’t know just came to the door. (Silence) No, I didn’t let her in. But could you come over to stay for a while? (More silence) Okay, bye! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Now, moving on- (Before the G-man can finish his sentence, we cut back to the special) Owl (Singing): When you’re home alone with no one else around, experience and show you’ll be safe and sound. If you follow the advice that I have found, when you’re home alone, when you’re home alone. (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Jesus! Can we go one second without someone jumping in with a song?! (Cut back to the special after the song) Rabbit (V.O): Don’t forget about tricks, Owl! Owl: Oh, yes, tricks! Now, who said that? (Rabbit appears) Rabbit: I said it, Owl. Owl: You certainly got here in a hurry! Rabbit: Oh, yes! I wanted to be sure we told the kids about tricks! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Normally, I would make a Trix joke, but seeing as that would be too obvious, I’m deciding against it. (Cut back to the special) Rabbit: Now, what if someone you don’t know comes to the door and said your dad said he’d meet him there? Owl: That could be a trick! I’d call my father first. After all, (Cut to Owl pointing at a sign that says…) my motto is, "Never let a stranger in the house". (Cut back to the G-man) G-man (Imitating Owl): Even though I never said it anywhere else except this very PSA. (Cut back to the special) Rabbit: Very good, Owl! But what if someone comes to the door and says its an emergency? They had an accident and need to use the phone? (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: I’d ask them why they don’t have the latest technology. (He holds up his iPhone) I mean, everyone’s got at least one of these nowadays! (Cut back to the special after Rabbit disappears) Owl: Of coarse, some tricky rabbits don’t use the door. Now, there is one more thing about being home alone: What if you’re not in the house, but you’re out in the yard? (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Simple; don’t go outside when you’re home alone! Next segment! (Cut back to the special. A stranger approaches a young girl named Sarah) Owl (V.O): Now, that man is a stranger. And he wants to talk to Sarah’s mother. But Sarah’s mother isn’t home. (The screen freezes as a music stinger is heard. Cut back to Owl) If you were Sarah, what would you do? (Cut to a still-frame of the stranger) G-man (V.O): Uh… I’d ask the nerdy version of Light Yagami from Death Note for his autograph (Cut to a still-frame of the puppet Sarah’s holding) and hope that creepy puppet scares him away? Actually, she tells him that her mother’s busy and runs inside and locks the door before calling her neighbor. Then we hear a knock on Owl’s door. Owl: Who’s there? (Tigger appears in the window) Tigger: Who do ya think it is? It’s the one and only Tigger! Owl: Hoho! Well, that’s no stranger! That’s my friend Tigger! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Hear that, kids? Strangers alone are bad! But strangers in Tigger costumes are A-Okay! (Cut back to the special) G-man (V.O): And just a side note, isn’t it weird that everyone in the Hundred-Acre Woods is talking about the same damn thing? That’s like every Independence Day movie critics review the movie to pray that the aliens don’t enslave us because of how bad we made them look. (Cut to a clip from said movie) Will Smith: And what the hell is that smell?! (Cut back to the special) Pooh: Well, that was certainty interesting. Piglet: Yes, it was. B-But… I hate to mention it, Pooh, I really do, b-but I think we should tell our friend that danger doesn’t always come from strangers, it can be from someone you know! (Cut back to the G-man looking shocked) G-man: Uh… This isn’t going where I think it is, is it? (Cut back to the special) Pooh: People you see everyday might want to touch you. And sometimes, that dangerous. Piglet: What do you mean, Pooh? Pooh: Well, there are certain private places on your body that nobody is supposed to touch except you. (Cut back to the G-man looking disturbed) G-man: Why is Winnie the Pooh talking about my privates when he has none? Seriously, what were they thinking? (There’s a moment of silence before the G-man speaks again) I’m not trying to be funny, I actually want to know! (Cut back to the special) Pooh: Sometimes your parents might touch them if their dressing you, or bathing you. Or the doctor has to touch them when he’s examining you. That’s okay touching. Piglet: B-B-But is there touching that not okay, Pooh? Pooh: Oh yes, Piglet. And that’s the kind of touching that gives you a funny feeling inside. (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Stop! Stop it right now! My childhood can only be ruined so many times! (Cut back to the special) Piglet: But Pooh, what do I do if somebody tries to touch me that way? Pooh: Now, here’s the important part; if anybody tries to touch you anywhere in a not-okay way, a way that feels wrong, tell them “No!”! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Yeah, because strangers tend to listen to the word “No”. (He chuckles a bit before getting serious) Seriously, kick them in the balls, and run! I mean, how can they get sleazier? (Cut back to the special) Pooh (Singing): Say no! Stop that! It’s not okay with me! (The text “What the fuck?” pops up for a brief moment) No! Don’t do that! I have the right, you see! My body is my very own, that’s how its got to be! I learned this is the time to say, “It’s not okay with me!”! No! Stop that! It’s really not okay! No! Don’t do that! Take your hands away! I know I‘m not at all to blame, I’ve done nothing bad! And now I’m going right away to tell my mom and dad! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: …What the fuck did I just see?! I mean, think about it, they actually showed this to kids in the 80’s! Yes, they’re giving a good message, but look what comes after the song: (Cut back to the special. We see another montage of kids) Girl 1: No! Boy 1: No! Don’t touch me! Girl 2: Don’t touch me there, or I’ll tell! Boy 2: If you touch me again, I’ll tell my dad! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: See what I mean? (Cut back to the special) G-man (V.O): Anyway, Rabbit appears once again to tell us about tricks. Rabbit: Glad you asked, Pooh! Now this time, I’m talking about tricks that bad people use to get you not to tell when they do something wrong to you like touching you in a not-okay way. Piglet: Oh my! Rabbit: But no matter what kind of trick someone tries with you, remember: Always tell your parents or someone you trust when someone tries to touch your privet parts. (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: But if no one’s around? Yeah, you’re screwed. (Cut back to the special) G-man (V.O): So, we have another song, we see someone tell their mother that someone touched them, and that’s the end! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Aside from the obvious no-touch scenario, I thought the message really came across! The characters are memorable, the lessons were taught well, and honestly, I thought it was pretty good! Well, I am the G-man, and- (He is then interrupted by a voice) Voice (V.O): Congratulations! You made it though this entire review without making a single When a Stranger Calls joke! G-man: Really? Alright! I’d like to thank my dad for telling me to never give up, I’d like to thank my fanbase, I’d also like to think my mother, my teacher, and my dealer. All of whom are the same person! Well, I am the G-man, and that’s all you need to know about that! Peace! (The G-man gets up and walks out of his room through his bedroom door. But after a few seconds, he pokes his head back in) G-man: Wait, doesn’t this count as a When a Stranger Calls joke? Category:Episode